How Indian Moms Say 'I Love You' (Without Ever Saying It)

The Day I Realized Mom Was Loving Me This Whole Time

Lately, I’ve been thinking about moms a lot.

I think it started when I moved across state lines—all the way from California to the Midwest. That’s when it hit different. Your mother, you know, if you’re blessed to have one… even though regardless of how they are, you appreciate them. You want them close.

There’s this memory I keep coming back to. My dad—an old man now, with his own adult kids—still gets a call from my grandma every single day. In Punjabi, she asks the same question:

“Did you eat roti today?”

Every. Single. Day.

And I used to carry so much stress. Like, constant stress. But lately, I’ve had this thought running through my mind:

"Why stress when you have Mom to stress for you?"

That’s not a joke. That’s how love works in a lot of Indian families.

When “I Love You” Sounds Like “Did You Eat?”

Here’s the thing about growing up in an immigrant family: The Western framework of love languages doesn’t always translate.

You’ve heard of the five love languages, right? Words of affirmation. Quality time. Physical touch. Gifts. Acts of service.

For a lot of South Asian families, three of those barely existed—at least not the way Americans talk about them. Words of affirmation? My parents’ generation didn’t grow up hearing “I love you” or “I’m proud of you.” That wasn’t the culture. Physical touch? Limited. Quality time? They were working.

But acts of service? That was everything.

Research shows that South Asians are 50% less likely to seek mental health services—partly because emotional expression wasn’t modeled for us. We didn’t see our parents process feelings out loud. We saw them cook. Clean. Sacrifice. Work.

And here’s what I’ve realized:

Sometimes our moms, they don’t know the words to use. They don’t know how to express it. They express their love with food.

“Come over.” “Come pick us up.” “Come eat this.”

And when you refuse? It’s like you’re refusing love—even though you don’t mean it that way.

A TV Show Changed How I See My Parents

Recently, I was watching Perfect Family—an Indian series on YouTube produced by Pankaj Tripathi. It’s about the Karkaria family: on the surface, they look like a typical happy Punjabi household. But when the youngest daughter, Daani, has an anxiety attack at school, the whole family ends up in therapy.

And that’s when everything comes out. The whole family system. The cultural inheritance. The generational patterns. The things nobody talks about.

There was one scene that stopped me.

The mother is telling her story. She got married young—arranged marriage, like so many of our grandparents. She didn’t know what to expect. The husband was nothing like what she imagined.

But then she says something that hit me:

“He never refuses my food. He loves it.”

And she found joy in cooking. Her cooking gave her love, acceptance, and a role. She lived up to that role her entire life.

Then they show a scene where her son is going out of town, and she’s packing sweets and snacks for him to take. All this food, with so much care.

That’s not nagging. That’s not being overbearing.

That’s “I love you” in a language she knows.

If you haven’t watched Perfect Family, I highly recommend it. Variety called it India’s first pay-model YouTube series, and it’s one of the most honest portrayals of therapy in an Indian family I’ve seen. It shows that it’s okay to not be perfect—and it’s okay to ask for help.

The Psychology Behind Food as Love

This isn’t just cultural—it’s biological.

Patrick Wanis, PhD puts it this way: “Food incorporates all five love languages and all five senses. It’s a very powerful way of creating connection and expressing love.”

When someone feeds you, your brain releases dopamine and oxytocin—the same chemicals associated with bonding and attachment. A 2025 survey found that 65% of adults say food is their primary love language.

And when you look at it through Bowen Family Systems Theory—the idea that families transmit emotional patterns across generations—it makes even more sense.

Our grandparents were married at 17, 18 years old. They didn’t even see each other before the wedding. They learned to love their partner. And for the women, especially, cooking became the one consistent way to give love, to receive appreciation, to have a role.

That pattern got passed down. To our moms. And in some ways, to us.

The Day My Wife and Her Mom Got the Same Personality Test Results

I’ve been working on something in my practice—a personality assessment that covers like 45 different things on one screen. Love language, conflict style, attachment patterns, all of it.

The other day, my wife took it. Then her mom took it.

They got almost the exact same results.

And it hit them both: We’re so much more similar than we think.

Here’s what I keep wondering:

We grow up thinking we’re so different from our parents. Different education. Different values. Different generation. We don’t gossip on the phone like they do. We don’t stress about “log kya kahenge” the way they did.

But are we really that different?

"Are we just our aunts and uncles—but doing it in English?"

Are we just doing the same things, but in a different language? A different trend?

Are we still carrying the same patterns, just dressed up differently?

It’s something to notice.

I Didn’t Realize How Hard She Was Working Until I Had to Scrub My Own Toilets

I’m going to be honest here.

I was spoiled.

Living with three boys in the house—me, my brother, and my dad—we were taken care of. Didn’t have to do laundry. Didn’t have to cook. A lot of Indian kids don’t. We had other responsibilities, sure—handling business stuff, whatever. But for the domestic stuff? We were used to seeing Mom just do it.

And I took that for granted.

I didn’t even realize how hard she was working until now, as a married man, when I have to scrub my own toilets. When I have to figure out dinner. When the laundry piles up and nobody else is going to do it.

That’s when it hits you.

I’m not saying we all have to fulfill the same role our moms did—the world has changed, roles have changed. But there’s something about doing the work yourself that makes you finally see what she was doing all along.

It wasn’t just cooking. It wasn’t just cleaning.

It was love, repeated every single day, without expecting anything back.

Try This: The Mom’s Love Language Decoder

But What If I Need to Set Boundaries?

Let me be real: understanding your mom’s love language doesn’t mean you can never say no.

Boundaries matter. Your needs matter. You can honor her way of showing love AND have limits.

The key is reframing it—not as “refusing love” but as “redirecting love.”

“Mom, I appreciate the food, but I’m really full. Can we save it for next time?”

That’s not rejection. That’s receiving the intention while managing the execution.

You don’t have to eat everything she makes. But you can acknowledge what the offering means.

If you’re navigating complicated family dynamics—where love and harm exist together—that’s real, and it’s worth finding someone who understands cultural context.

She Might Not Have the Words, But She Has the Love

My grandma is still calling my dad every day. He’s a grown man with grown kids. And every day, she asks the same question she’s asked for decades.

“Did you eat roti today?”

That’s not repetition. That’s devotion.

Our moms come from a world where love wasn’t spoken—it was shown. Through sacrifice. Through food. Through worry. Through presence.

They might not know the words. But they have the love.

And maybe—just maybe—we’re more like them than we think.

"Are we just our aunts and uncles, doing the same things but in a different language?"

It’s worth noticing. It’s worth appreciating.

And if you want to understand where you come from—and who you’re becoming—sometimes it helps to talk it through with someone who gets it.

FAQ

Is food really a love language, or is it just a cultural thing?

Both—and the research supports it. Patrick Wanis, PhD notes that “food incorporates all five love languages and all five senses.” It triggers dopamine and oxytocin—the same chemicals associated with bonding and love. In cultures where verbal affection wasn’t normalized, acts of service—especially feeding—became the primary way to express care. It’s not a substitute for love. It IS love.

How do I explain to my partner why my mom’s constant food-pushing isn’t annoying?

Help them see it through a cultural lens. In many immigrant families, food was the one consistent way parents could provide. Unlike words (which might not translate) or money (which was often scarce), food was always available to give. When your mom pushes food, she’s saying “I want to take care of you.” Invite your partner to receive it as the gift it is—or at minimum, understand what it means to your mom.

What if my relationship with my mom is complicated and this article makes me feel guilty?

This isn’t about guilt—it’s about understanding. You can recognize your mom’s love language AND acknowledge that your relationship has real challenges. Understanding how she expresses love doesn’t mean ignoring ways she may have hurt you. Both things can be true. If you’re navigating complicated family dynamics, talking to someone who understands cultural context can help you hold both realities.

Be Part of the Conversation

If you’re navigating family dynamics, cultural expectations, or just trying to understand where you came from—you don’t have to figure it out alone.

TherapaJi is building a community for people who live between two worlds. First-gen. Bicultural. Trying to honor their roots while building their own path.

Join the South Asian Mental Health Network → — get updates, early access to resources, and be part of something real.

Want to check in with yourself? Take our free burnout assessment to see where you’re at.

This post is for educational purposes and isn’t a substitute for therapy, diagnosis, or medical advice. If you’re in crisis or experiencing thoughts of self-harm, call 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline) or your local emergency services.

Reel Script: “How Indian Moms Say I Love You”

<p><strong>THE REVEAL:</strong></p>
<p class="reel-line">"And every day, she asks the same question in Punjabi: <em>'Did you eat roti today?'</em>"</p>

<p><strong>THE INSIGHT:</strong></p>
<p class="reel-line">"That's not nagging. That's not being overbearing."</p>
<p class="reel-line">"That's 'I love you' in a language she knows."</p>

<p><strong>THE REFRAME:</strong></p>
<p class="reel-line">"Our moms don't always have the words. So they cook. They worry. They call."</p>
<p class="reel-line">"And when you refuse the food... you're refusing the love."</p>

<p><strong>CLOSE + CTA:</strong></p>
<p class="reel-line">"Next time she asks if you ate—maybe just say yes. And thank her."</p>
<p class="reel-line"><em>(Text on screen: Full blog in bio)</em></p>